Burnin' For You

Later the next night, Lucas was still nursing sore knuckles as he sat in his living room, beer in hand, watching the rain fall outside, thinking about everything and nothing, wishing it was more of the latter.

A knock at his door roused him from his musings and he set his beer aside, rising to answer it – and was startled to see Evan standing on the other side when he opened it.

“How did you know – ?”

“Tom told me where you lived. Can I come in?”

Lucas blew out a breath, hesitating, before reluctantly letting Evan inside.

“What do you want, Evan?” Lucas asked wearily, shutting the door.

Evan turned toward him, looking unsure, running a hand through his rain damp hair. “Who’s Ryan?” he finally asked, quietly. “Tom said I needed to ask you about him. That it would explain things.”

Taken aback by the unexpected question, Lucas could only stare at Evan for a long moment. An internal decision made, that it was time Evan did know, so he’d stop pursuing him, Lucas walked past Evan and picked up a photograph from the end table.

He stared at Ryan’s smiling face for a long time before walking over to the window, looking out at the rain, his back to Evan.

“Ryan and I – we loved each other,” Lucas started, still not looking at Evan, voice low. “We were together for almost three years. He worked at the station, on the engine with me. Things were great, they were perfect. He moved in with me here six months before – before it happened.” Lucas paused, taking a deep breath.

“We got a call for a warehouse fire this time last year,” Lucas continued. “Three alarm, close by the station; we were the first company there. Ryan and I were each on an inch and a half hose, Ryan in the lead. We were pretty deep inside the building when my air tank alarm went off. Someone had screwed up that afternoon and hadn’t checked them. The other companies hadn’t gotten there yet and I didn’t want to leave Ryan alone.” Again Lucas paused, swallowing past the lump in his throat and felt the first, silent tear slip free.

“But Ryan was yelling at me, that I wouldn’t be any good if I couldn’t breathe and to get out,” Lucas went on, his voice breaking. “I had just cleared the doors when the explosion tore the building apart. I felt the heat on my back before I was lifted up off my feet and thrown 20 feet. I tried to get back in the building, but the guys held me back.” Lucas’s throat worked convulsively. “Ryan was gone and there was nothing I could do,” he finished, pain and loss coloring every word.

He turned now to face Evan, not bothering to wipe away his tear tracks. “I can’t put myself through that again, Evan. What we do, it’s too fucking dangerous. I learned that the hard way, and I will NEVER go through that again. Losing Ryan, it damn near killed me. So please, just let this go,” he pleaded. “I won’t let myself fall for you. I can’t.”

“Lucas – “ Evan took a step forward, his own eyes bright with moisture.

Lucas shook his head. “No. Please, Evan, just go. Please.”

The only sound in the apartment was the rain hitting the window as the two men regarded each other silently, hurt and pain radiating off of one, sympathy and compassion from the other, until Evan turned and wordlessly left Lucas alone in his apartment, holding Ryan’s photo to his chest.